My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
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Police Sketch Artist: We need to get his face out there ASAP. I’m going to need you to describe him to me.
Me: He looked like the type of person who wouldn’t be ashamed to ride a tricycle in public.
Police Sketch Artist: *pencil poised* Um…
Me: That’s all I got my man.
I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter
i hope my email finds you on fire
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
Meow
If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.
If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I͟T͟ D͟O͟E͟S͟ T͟O͟O͟ T͟A͟S͟T͟E͟ L͟I͟K͟E͟ B͟E͟E͟R͟͟ money.
7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?
me: yes
7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?
me:
Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.
People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.
Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
Stop shaming yourself for not pursuing a traditional career path. “Sea-witch who steals voices” is a real job. “Lady with snakes for hair” is a real job. “Prophetic hag who appears only in dreams” is a real job. Your career is valid ❤️
When I die and eventually go to Hell I’m going to flirt with the Devil like “So, did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?”
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes
You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”
“Honey the baby is crowning!”
*Lifts up hospital gown*
“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”
Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake
Genie: you get three wishes
Dog: I wish I was inside
Genie: two wishes
Dog: I wish I was outside
Genie: one wish
Dog:
Genie:
Dog: I wish I was inside
Teenage niece (talking to me while she’s driving): Could you respond to my friend’s text for me?
And don’t make it weird by putting stuff like punctuation.
excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
son: dad sing me a song
me: alright *clears throat* SHAWTY HAD THEM APPLE BOTTOM JEANS
wife from the other room: JEANS
me: BOOTS WITH THE FUR
wife: *shows up, grabs both door handles and drops it low* WITH THE FUR
me: THE WHOLE CLUB WAS LOOKING AT HER
My local coffee shop has one of those “No WiFi, pretend it’s the old days” signs so I robbed them and made them promise not to use DNA evidence to convict me.
If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.
Introverted vegans go meetless
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice😭
If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank
[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right