*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so
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Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
does my company policy say i can bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? no. does it say i cannot bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? also no.
lol – getting pizza slice and the guy in front of me (trying to banter with the cashier) is like “you made mine with extra love right” and the cashier very solemnly and Eastern European accentedly said “it’s made with normal amount pepperoni”
My mom, doing a crossword puzzle, asked me for a rapper named Dr. ___. I replied Dre, and she said “oh yeah I forgot about him”. She has no clue how funny this is.
I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
HARRY JR: what do you see in the mirror of desire, papa
HARRY SR: well if i look closely i see you mowing the lawn this morning like i asked
I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
When in doubt…
1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.
You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.
Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state of the art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors
My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.
IMPORTANT:
IF YOU GET A TEXT MESSAGE WITH A LINK THAT SAYS “NSFW SLIM JIM” — DO NOT CLICK IT — IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCKPLS TELL EVERYONE
When they spot a towel hanging neatly on a rack, teens consider it a personal challenge to rip it down, wad it up & leave it on the floor.
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
Quiz host: Your topic is music
Me: Yes!!
Quiz Host: Which Imagine Dragons song starts quietly followed by the singer yelling the chorus?
Me: You’ve got to be kidding me
[me b4 going to doc office]
-200 degree fever
-can’t breathe w/o going into cardiac arrest
-leave a trail of slime everywhere like a slug[the second i get to doc office]
-best health of my life
-so healthy they rename health after me
-honorary doctorate from health university
Me, today: don’t text and drive
Me, in 1999: *driving and flipping through a 96 disc binder looking for deftones*
*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live
The way time stretches between the moment you put your hands under the air dryer and the realisation it is in fact a paper towel dispenser.
A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”
Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken