After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.
You Might Also Like
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing
Introverted vegans go meetless
Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold
*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*
Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautifulNeighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.
Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?
Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*
Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.
This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]
Ask your doctor if Drugs™ are right for you. If he says no give him a wedgie and stuff him in a locker he is a nerd.
I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.
M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.
I told my husband to tell me I don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm and he had the NERVE to say, “You don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm.”
[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet
Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.
Me: They’re ibuprofen.
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.
5yo: *sniffling*
Me: “Need a tissue, Bud?”
5yo: *wipes nose with couch* “Why?”
dammit i HATE this slowass coffee machine [gandhi walks into breakroom] and not finding strength in my suffering. also hate that. mornin sir
me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]
him: is that all you got
me: yeah inflation’s bad
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.
Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?
Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…
The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.