“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
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THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.
Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here
Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isn’t as flammable as the last one- please?
[beach]
ME: Sure is beautiful here
HORSE: Yup
ME: Lovely sunset too
HORSE: Uh huh
ME: So…You want a drink?
HORSE: Nice try
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.
Siri, when does the restraining order expire?
Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah
When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page
A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
*At the bank
Teller: And how would you like your cash?Me: Non sequential and in a brown bag.
Teller: You asked to withdraw 20 dollars…
Me: exactly
Teller:…
Me: Can I still have a lollipop?
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
[at a party]
*taps wife’s shoulder*
I’ve looked everywhere…where are all the swings?
(wife pulls away from kissing Bob)
“What?”
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?
Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably
Just had a marijuanapiphany:
Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
[arriving in hell]
him: so what did you do?
me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea
[Cop questioning suspected watermelon thief]
COP: *squints* Was it you?
GIRAFFE (who has watermelon-sized bulge halfway down his neck): Nope
Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!
[being buttered]
Me: are you sure about this
Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife
love those YouTube videos that are like “doctor reacts to brutal superhero deaths” because they’re always like “yup you would definitely die if you got decapitated because your body needs a brain to survive. subscribe for more medical facts”
The ghost of the girl murdered in my apartment in the 1920s would scare me a lot more if she didn’t keep queuing up Paw Patrol on Netflix.
They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
Dad: There’s no use crying over spilled milk son.
Me: But dad it was tequila!
Dad: What!? *cries immensely*