– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.
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Free will was a mistake.
I should have charged for it.
Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts
I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.
If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?
Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.
Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.
[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*
Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?
Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
Torturer: just tell me what I need know
Me: NEVER
Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*
Me: OKAY I’ll talk
I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.
On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore
Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.
Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.
‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*
i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
A co-worker is retiring, so they’re passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.
I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.
Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on
me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time
I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.