*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases
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Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America
*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?
*husband and I arguing*
Kids (in unison): “YAYYYYYY TWO CHRISTMASES!!!!!
villagers: BURN THE WITCH
me: you’re the reason your dad left
witch: omg
villagers [lowering torches] damn dude
ME: I think I have coronavirus, every morning I wake up aching and sick. It usually goes away by the afternoon, but the next day same thing.
FRIEND: It’s a hangover. You’re drinking 2 bottles of wine a night in quarantine.
ME: My God… wine causes the coronavirus!
I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.
Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!
Also family: Have a baby 🙂
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups
I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner
Job interviewer: Where would you like to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Leave ‘em wanting more. That’s what I always
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do itRequesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it
He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.
*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*
When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?
First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
My resolutions are:
1) Stop making any lists.
B) Be more stable.
7) Learn to count.
My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?