“The world is finally getting back to normal”
Omicron:
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“All you have left is your king and one knight,” sneers my grandmaster chess opponent. Suddenly a little hatch opens in my knight and thousands of tiny Greek soldiers swarm out.
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.
Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.
I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.
[dragging a corpse to the shed]
NEIGHBOR: putting away the halloween decorations?
ME: decorations?
Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?
You say you’re a stoner?
Name every stone then
Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?
ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*
We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.
Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on
PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
We arrived at our holiday cottage which is near several other holiday cottages and within 5 minutes a lady from another cottage came to say hi and chatted for a while and now we have to leave the holiday cottage and stay in the woods where no other people will ever find us
We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?
Wife to our oldest daughter: “Go brush your teeth with your sister.”
Me to our oldest daughter: “Sweetie, don’t listen to your mother. Use a toothbrush.”
boss: my secretary said you needed to see me urgently.
me confident I’ll get the raise I want because I found out his gamer tag: that’s right punished_gordon.
In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.
A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own
My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.