All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.
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Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
[blind date]
HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato
ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it
I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.
Non-stick pan manufacturers: Do not scrub the pan roughly
Also non-stick pan manufacturers: *will stick their label right in the middle of the pan with glue that never comes off easy*
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.
Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.
Hubs: Why are you spending so much time on Twitter lately?
Me: I need to find my people
Him: You have a family, we are your people
Me: *this is awkward* But I’m looking for people I actually like
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.
Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?
[blind date]
So,where you from?
[eyes turn black]
T h E S E v E n T H C i R C L e O F H e L L
Oh nice. ever miss it?
[cries blood]
Y e s
SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.
“Expecto me to be there”
Harry Potter RSVPing to a party
do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.
If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.
[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.
[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough
i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them
*opens twitter*
*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*
*closes twitter*
I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.
“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife
I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.