You Might Also Like
I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.
My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.
Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.
me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.
How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha
MARY: Well, I just had a baby… in a barn. So, thanks to everyone who brought gifts. The gold, the perfumes. All things babies love.
Also the child who inexplicably played drums, like, right in my face.
This…this was great.
boss: my secretary said you needed to see me urgently.
me confident I’ll get the raise I want because I found out his gamer tag: that’s right punished_gordon.
Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
I should have used more oils to get this off easier..
I’m trying to jerk it off but it won’t come.
Honey, dinner is stuck to the pan.
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
Wait, you actually took my advice?! You poor poor thing.
[2 cavemen]
Look what me discover! This game changer!
*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”
*takes back mixtape* FIRE!
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.
May take them away tomorrow too.
[elevator doors r closing, i see a woman running to get on. i push the close door button because i gotta be on time for an interview. i get there exactly at 2 and sit down. a few min later the interviewer walks in. it’s the woman from the elevator]
her: *glares*
me: you’re late
I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.
Assistant: Uh sir? Your personalized jean jacket is very cool but it looks like the store screwed up. It says STAN on the back.
Satan: WHAT
A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not
So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”
Arguing with strangers on the internet is like yelling at a parking meter. I mean, I still do it sometimes, but nobody wins.
Waking up and having 3 hours before my alarm goes off: *sleeps*
Waking up and having 3 minutes before my alarm goes off: *SLEEPS FASTER*