I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.
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And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
Covid like
8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course
Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this
Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.
Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
My first mistake was letting my kids watch all the Despicable Me movies repeatedly and my second mistake was putting on a yellow shirt with these overalls
Me, watching Stranger Things: these scientists, these fools, play not a god who rends our world in twain.
Me, in real life, if scientists discovered a portal to another dimension: *slamming fists on table* OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT
When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*
Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this
*Selling Thanksgiving raffle tickets
Me: Hey, how about taking a chance on a turkey?
Her: No thanks, I don’t want to go out with you!
Emails now be like: I hope you are staying safe, sheltered in place, stocked with toilet paper, and healthy during these absolutely unprecedented, wild, chaotic, terrifying times. Just wanted to follow up-
If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring
jeweler: how many karats
bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much
My neighbor across the street does yoga in her yard, I watch her through my guest room window, but I don’t use my binoculars because that would be creepy.
me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”
there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks
Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.
[changing baby]
Me: I would like a very different baby, please
they always announce when a famous person dies but they never announce when a famous person is born
Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.
I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address
Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.