By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
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Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will
Robocop’s guns malfunction.
Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.
Robocop loses his home.
Hobocop.
Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.
Haha no way, you’re an 1/16th Polish AND a 1/3rd Irish???
Damn I must be part goldfish bc I don’t remember asking 🤷♂️🤷♂️🤷♂️
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
whenever i wake up before my alarm
Me: It’s time to take a bath.
6: Ugh, I took one a few days ago!
Me: Yeah, you gotta keep taking those.
6: For my whole life?
Me: Yes
6: What!? Uggggghhhhh
Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.
Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
[at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir it’s the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?
just wait til i figure out what algorithm means
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.
when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak
Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
[Phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u love?
W: omg YES!
ME: I’m petting a dog near there
5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”
“It’s a moving truck.”
“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”
Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?
Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything
you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.
Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.
I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.
“Have you considered living on campus?” I ask.
“For a school that’s 30 minutes away? That’s crazy.” My 17 year old answers.
I eat my chili from a small ice cream bowl with an oversized serving spoon (because all of our dishes are in his room) as I stare sadly out the window.
Netflix would be by far the best dating site. “Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs”
Geez man, take it easy.
My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x
If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.