Go girl power!
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Does this dress make me look cat?
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time
it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift
Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”
☺️
Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?
“I don’t know, how would I know?”
GF: I’m pregnant!
“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”
Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…
“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.
Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended
What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?
My middle schooler called me “mid” and I’ve gotta be honest, not a fan of having to google something before deciding how offended I am.
The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year
Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you
me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.
also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*
“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?
SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.
why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford
The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?
My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.
ACCOUNTANT: So you want to write off 5000 bat-shaped boomerangs??
BATMAN, intense voice: They’re essential for my war on crime!
ACCOUNTANT: That’s fine, but claiming *boomerangs* as an *unrecoverable* business expense…
BATMAN, normal voice: Oh yeah, no, yeah, I see your point.
My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…