Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”
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Nurse: Where does it hurt?
Me: *Points to heart*
Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!
Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*
My daughter woke me up at 5 am to urgently tell me “any balloon spongebob blows up is technically a water balloon” & I have not been able to fall back asleep
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely
Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.
FUN FACT:
Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.
Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.
Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE
Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.
I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”
guy in a zombie apocalypse who just keeps saying “the zombies are more afraid of us than we are of them” and stands up tall and waves his arms around and yells at them and he turns out to be 100% right
Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
The Birdles
Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.
When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?
I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.
I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!
Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.
When does CPR become necrophilia?
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.
If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.
[death row]
Guard: alright tough guy one last meal
Me: a cyanide pill
Guard: what? no we want to kill you!
Me: too bad
Guard: aw man
This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.
*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend