The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
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I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.
[a real exchange I had with my wife who was working in the garden]
Me, poking my head around the corner of the house: I’m going to the bank, need anything while I’m out?
Wife: what?
Me, louder: I’m going to the bank
Wife: what?
Me: I’M LEAVING YOU
Wife: ok
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
When you write lyrics as bad as “I got soul but I’m not a soldier” it’s important to repeat it exactly 10 times in a row so nobody misses it
Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.
Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.
bathroom attendant: *gives me soap and paper towels*
me: thanks
bathroom attendant: *gestures at basket with dollar bills*
me: oh right *takes $3* thanks!
Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway
ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes
LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no
ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert
HER: nice i love coldplay
ME: ok we have two problems
It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?
These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before
You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
Simple enough.
Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.
…. I have learned nothing.
9: Mommy can I have a treat?
Me: It’s close to bedtime so no
9: A tiny piece?
Me: No
9: A molecule? An atom?!
Me: I’m glad you’re paying attention in Science but no. Not even a quark or neutrino
9: Is that a donut?
[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already
“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*
Noah: nope.
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy
Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?
Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.
My boss: Two hours is enough time to get lunch catered for a meeting, right?
Me: *screams internally* I will make it happen.
Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.
Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.
Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.