My kids just locked themselves in my bedroom to “have a party,” which involves wearing my clothes and eating goldfish crackers in secret. I’m not mad, just offended that I wasn’t invited.
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This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam
sam: yeah and you as well
host:
sam:
host: killer job sammy boy
Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.
I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.
WRITER: A drifter & a rich lady fall in love
WALT DISNEY: Can they be dogs?
WR: A woman steals a couple’s baby
WD: Can the baby be 101 dogs?
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
Gandalf: are you ready for an adventure
Bilbo: no
Gandalf: can i come in for tea
Bilbo: also no
Gandalf: dinner with my friends?
Bilbo: i feel like you aren’t hearing me
Gandalf: no i am it’s ju- *stooping under the door* it’s just i really don’t give a shit what you want
DOC: We got your blood tests back
ME: Is it small pox like I thought?
DOC: No, it’s even worse
ME: What could be worse than small pox?
DOC: Big pox
ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it
Amazon: Based on your purchases we think you’ll love this.
Me: First of all how dare you attack me with this accuracy I need a large please.
Me, dressed Covid casual at work.
Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.
“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”
Me: Try this chocolate chip.
3 year-old: Okay!
[gives him coffee bean]
3: UGH, YUCK!
-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.
You can let me hold your baby I won’t drop it. If you think I’m the kind of person who would drop a baby you’re flat wrong. And if you’re the sort of person who believes unsubstantiated rumors about me dropping babies, well I just feel sorry for you.
my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus
me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos
My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of
Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private
If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.
8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*Being an adult is stupid.
Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because of my hobby?
wife: yes
me: but on friday february 8th 2018 at 8:17 pm I asked “Is it ok if I became a stenographer” to which you replied “thats fine” to which I replied “great” to which you replied “wait are you typing this right now?”
Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess
Maybe jesus needs me in his life