Superman’s Google searches:
“Strongest hero”
“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”
“Fastest hero”
“Fastest hero. Not Flash”
“Phone booth for sale”
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I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”
“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”
*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”
*Opening presents
1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
To clarify:
DOJA CAT is a 25-year-old rapper, singer, and songwriter.
DEJA CAT is the strange sensation that you’ve seen a cat somewhere before.
Hope this helps!
*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t
WAITER: would you like to try the chef’s special, tender snow crab?
ME [getting defensive]: maybe but there’s no reason for name calling
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
Me: *plucking hedge as my lord passes by*
Lord: oh manservant
Me: yes, my lord?
Lord: You trim this hedge with such care that when you’ve reached the end, the rest will again be quite overgrown. Thus, your toil ever continues?
Me: yes, my lord
Lord: *chuckling* delightful 🙂
I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
Doctor: for the last time, you don’t have superpowers
Me: then how can I can feel a storm coming in my joints??
Doctor: ARTHRITIS IS NOT A SUPERPOWER
[Central Park]
Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter
Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree
ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee
BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*
me: can I get 20 nuggets and–
priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru
me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite
My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.
Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.
I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
Types of Amazon reviews:
9,700 people: 5/5 stars. great toaster for the price!
283 people: 3/5 stars. decent toaster but can get stuck
5 people: 1/5 stars. awful quality, I ran it over with my truck and it broke
1 person: 0/5 stars. useless, I was trying to buy a blender
I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter
10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?
Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]