[Date]
Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?
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They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’
This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.
Stomach: Every time you eat, we get sick.
Brain: Hmm. I know what would make us feel better.
Stomach: No-
Brain: TAQUITOS!
Me: Yay TAQUITOS!
Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit
Me: Are you sure about that?
*gives him a handful of Cheez-Its*
Cop: Have a nice day, sir.
[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already
Bus duty in the library after school.
Walkie-talkie: Bus 4, come on out! Bus 9, you’re next!
Kindergartener: They called our bus!
Me: No they didn’t. They called 4 and 9. We’re 11.
Kinder: Yeah, but 4 plus 9 is 11, so they called us!
Me: Okay, well, first of all,
Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT DOGS COOKING PIZZAS
SE: -on your sub?
ME: PUPPERONI
Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.
bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
[ Blind date ]
Me: I guess you could say gynecology is more of a hobby of mine than anything.
Her: ummmm
Me: whatcha thinking?
Her: of the ways I’m going to murder my former friend for setting us up on this date.
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
It was a smart phone until I downloaded Twitter
If you think you’re socially awkward, one time a woman I barely know was pointing to something on my shirt and I thought she wanted to start a finger sword fight with me.
Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If we could teach chickens to play basketball, we could set up a league and call it the HenBA
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.
Me irl
Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…
The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room
I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight
someone tried to scam my grandpa by pretending to be me saying “hey grandpa, it’s your grandson, i’m stranded in europe and i need you to wire me $5,000” and my grandpa was just like “…robert would never be in europe”
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
constantly working on myself.
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.