Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
You Might Also Like
there’s a pig in my mom’s neighborhood who escapes her home to roam the neighborhood every couple days and someone will hit their community fb page like “penelope is over here eating my tomatoes” and the owner will be like “god dammit i’ll be right there”
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here
@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.
Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive
Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
“Can you get my water, Mom?”
— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd
You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.
Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.
[HS reunion]
FRIEND: Heard from Billy Adent? He vanished after grade school. Do you know if he moved?
ME: [flashback to not unfreezing him during freeze tag because he said I smelled like milk] HE BETTER NOT HAVE!
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
Ugh my boyfriend’s all “Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos” and “Stop snap-chatting my Mom” and “Stop calling me your boyfriend”
Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
This nice guy next to me on the flight just offered to switch seats so I could sit next to my family.
“Oh they paid extra to have someone sit in between us so they don’t have to be near me.”
I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize it was a joke, and the flight is really tense now.
[Bank robbery]
*Other robbers jump into getaway van* “DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!”
“Okie dokie.” * Starts to adjust mirrors*
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena
Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.
My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.
Welcome to your 50’s.
I thought I saw a werewolf in my bathroom this morning then realized I forgot to pluck that one crazy chin hair.
Happy Halloween!