the three best gummy flavors, together at last
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Waiter: Did we decide?
Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.
Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.
Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.
My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
Actually, you don’t need to buy a woman a whole bouquet of kittens. A lot of the time a single long stem kitten is all she really wants.
Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
when I was 8 i stayed for dinner at a friend’s house and at dinner his Mom asked how everyone’s day was and his Dad said ‘A corpse exploded in the van again, got some in Gary’s hair too.’ His Dad was a Funeral Director and i was not allowed to have dinner there anymore.
my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now
me: ok what do you want
my kid: you have to guess
This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.
no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????
It’s 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it’s also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.
I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.
“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…
…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.
I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.
A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.
people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:
him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night
me: yeah they say most people do
him: but they’re usually asleep
me (crunching): semantics semantics
him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth
ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted
Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.
Please don’t put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.
[FIRST DATE]
Me, opening mouth seductively: “And this is where I burned my tongue on pizza, and this is where I burned my tongue on fries, a
PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em