Oh no
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HER: Wow you look great.
ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.
I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.
*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”
victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*
murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again
One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.
I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.
Fluff me with a fork baby
I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents
*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea
Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
Oh you’ve jumped out of an airplane? Well, I’ve run down the stairs in SOCKS, so I think we’re even
dog 911: what’s ur emergency?
dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE
dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?
dog: [whimpering]
dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass
came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
Me as a lawyer:
-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
My boss on Zoom: “Joe you been quiet today. Do you want to say anything?”
Me: “Betty White passed away so she could come back as Rihanna’s baby”
My boss: “Gang that’s my fault I should know better”
Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?
Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?”
Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court”
Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”
I’m getting really fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £12 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones
Headline: “Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey”
My 1st thought was, “Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo.” I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.
That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
Over the past month I’ve been losing my hoodies/sweaters/etc. Today I found all of them under my bed. Turns out I’ve been taking them off in my sleep when I’m too hot and shoving them behind me into the gap between my mattress and headboard