Doctor: [puts my arm in a sling]
Me: wait—
Doctor: [fires my arm out the window]
Me: wtf
Doctor: [shouting out the window] next time it’s a leg STAY OUT OF MY PARKING SPACE
You Might Also Like
I’m gonna wait for my aunt to finish her coffee before I tell her I kinda backed into her car just a little this morning. Seems like the right thing to do.
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
[at wedding]
Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace
Me (raises hand)
Pastor: It’s your wedding
Me (lowers hand)
I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.
So they hid my phone charger.
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
I find few things more alarming than a toddler with a permanent marker in her hand.
Date – “I must admit, this is a really nice restaurant”
Me – 😎
…
Date – “why did you say sunglasses emoji?”
What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
I went to the candle store today.
They were having a blowout sale.
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
I was just in line at the store and standing awkwardly and tried to put my hands in my pockets but my jeans don’t have pockets and THIS IS WHY WOMEN ARE ALWAYS ANGRY
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
Me: What’s your favorite fruit?
Son #2: Tacos.
Me: No, I said fruit.
S2: You have my answer.
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!
When Plan ‘A’ and Plan ‘B’ don’t work..
Plan ‘Shaggy’:
Say it wasn’t you.
If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.
63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe
A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”
I was trying to throw out one of the 3 year old’s toys because he hadn’t touched it in a year.
Faced with the loss he suddenly decided his neglected toy was everything and he couldn’t live without it and totally lost his mind and…
ahh beans, he’s inherited my break up angst.
Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!
Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!
I don’t have Covid, but when my doctor did the test, she asked, “do you want to do this the hard way or the easy way?” Who would choose the hard way?!
PILOT: if you look out the window you’ll see we’re cruising at 35,000 feet
[i look out the window]
[THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]
Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
I don’t know. “Your goose is cooked” seems like a positive. Like someone saying, “Hey, dinner’s ready. We’re having goose.”
“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”