WAITER: would you like to try the chef’s special, tender snow crab?
ME [getting defensive]: maybe but there’s no reason for name calling
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Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.
The Compass
Housetraining our dog which is why my participation in this morning’s Zoom meeting ended with, “Well, right now I’m working on upgrading myNOOOOOO NOO NO OUTSIDE OUTSIDE”
Me: He’s a great baby, just doesn’t really sleep much.
My baby, if he could talk: Whoa whoa whoa! I sleep! As long as you hold me while standing – facing north – sway at an even 37 sways per minute, while Israel Kamakawiwoʻole’s Over the Rainbow plays. Why is this so hard?
Since I’ve been scared of flying people have always tried to assuage said fear with “planes are way safer than cars!” and Boeing said “never mind!!!”
If Nelly tells you “it’s getting hot in here”, it’s not your job as a journalist to take off all your clothes, it’s your job as a journalist to look out the window and find out if it’s true
I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”
Peaches is our dog.
her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?
me: i added ginger
her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger
ginger: *wet meows*
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
“A Bunch of Stuff I Remembered and Then Compiled into a Narratively Cohesive Yet Inconsistently Compelling Tome: A Memoir”
Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.
Just now walking down the street eating a banana, I spotted a woman at a bus stop, also eating a banana. To her horror & mine, I was physically unable to stop myself raising my banana to her in a sort of banana toast. She looked v confused then, adorably, bobbed her banana back.
ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you
If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime
John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more
FAKE BREEDS I’VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.
WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.
Oh, more embarrassing things I have done as a lawyer:
While working from home, I joined zoom court with my microphone on, not realized it, and reacted to a knock at the door by yelling “I swear to god I am in court right now!” And the judge said, “yes, you are.”
Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.
Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de
Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.