My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
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* on a date *
Date: So did you make any New Year Resolutions?
Me: I’m on a diet.
Date: So what will you order for dinner?
Me: Well, I usually get 2 pieces of pizza, but tonight I’ll only order one.
Date: Wow-that’s amazing! You’ve got some will power!
Me:
named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.
Tell my story.
Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke
I’m dying louder than usual today.
Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water
Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?
Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.
Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.
LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡
Dracula is actually one of the funniest books of all time. Jonathan Harkness shows up at Dracula’s castle, Dracula’s like “hey could you write like five letters to your fiance in advance that say you’re fine” and Jonathan is like “weird, but yes absolutely”
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.
Getting closure is important.
*lies on bed to zip up jeans*
[watching TV on couch]
Me: Think you’ve got enough blankets on you? I can’t even see you, ha ha.
Her: …
Me: I said, do you think you have enough blankets on you?
Her: …
Me: I’m just talking to a pile of blankets, aren’t I?
Pile of blankets: …
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
[first day in the crime lab]
me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists
Me: I’d kill for your body.
Female trainer: Actually, with consistent exercise and clean eating…
Me: No that sounds hard I’d rather do murder
Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.
[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*
Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.
my new hobby
creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people
– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches
I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.
Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
that colleague who touches your screen
Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal
Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
Me: Shhh. You have to keep it down or my husband will hear us.
*Me talking to a loud, crinkly sleeve of Girl Scout Cookies.
sleeping beauty
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.