Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
You Might Also Like
[courtroom]
me: good morning, Judge McDonald
Judge: you will address the court properly
Me:
Judge: or be found in contempt
Me: Good morning, Your Ronald
ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese
[penguin waddles into computer repair store]
“Hi yes my laptop is frozen”
…
Computer repair guy – “how did you get to Milwaukee”
SF is the wild wild west man
Every time I have to get a new driver’s license it is impossible for me to achieve. I cannot collect four documents with my name on it. I simply cannot!!! I don’t know where any are. I will drive you over to my house and show you my stuff to prove I live there and can drive.
Let me get this straight: Rumpelstiltskin gives you a ton of gold, saves your life, AND takes your first born off your hands and he’s a bad guy?
No matter how spicy your sex life is …
If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …would bay to leaf him.
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.
Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?
Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.
Me: Yes it is.
The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.
Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
HR: Do you use the visualization exercises from the anger management class?
Me: Yes, I picture a swarm of bees attacking co-workers.
[dentist’s full hand and wrist in my mouth, also his keys?]
so u visited Spain u said? tell me. tell me every goddamn detail about Spain
Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon
This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”
[sees wife getting changed after work] you should leave them high heels on
“ohhh yeah?”
[thinking about the spider on the bathroom ceiling] yeah
Sounds about right. 😂🤣
“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game
[aliens arrive]
people: *screaming crying hiding*
me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*
oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.
My life is spiraling out of control.
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.