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No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”
Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.Now go to bed,you’re drunk.
Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.
HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.
How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it
A spooky dog skeleton would be so confused. He’d be like should I haunt people or should I gnaw on my enticingly exposed bones
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?
‘Your Song’ by Elton John was released
53 YEARS AGO TODAY so, that funny feeling inside might be you getting old.
Two gunslingers face each other in the street, waiting to draw. Minutes pass. I’m still obliviously standing between them sipping a Slurpee.
Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
*at the pharmacy*
I WOULD LIKE THE PILLS THAT ALLOW ME TO CONTROL BIRTH
*pharmacist blinks*
GIVE THEM TO ME, SORCERER
I would like to propose Dual-McDonald’s, one side is for people who know what they want because we all have the same order as adults for life and one for people who eat there 3 times a week but pretend they’ve never seen the menu before.
Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?
Why font matters.
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.
Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”
“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.