I just overheard some passing 8-year-old announce that after only two days of school he has already found a girlfriend, and now I have to unpack the fact that I don’t date at even a third-grade level.
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Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
“Why am I so thirsty?”
*Flashback to me eating half a ham*
“Oh, right”
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]
HER: So what kind of car do you drive?
ME: A bookmobile.
You know how when a car in front of you is going to parallel park but they waive you by first as if to say “I’m gonna mess this up and I don’t need any witnesses”?
I wish I could do that for my life in general.
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
WIFE: would you chop these onions for me
ME: sure
WIFE: I meant with a knife
ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe): aww man
The timeline of microwave popcorn:
< 1 minute: No popcorn
1-2:30: 4 pieces of perfectly popped popcorn
2:31-2:35: You did it. This is perfect. Good jo-
> 2:36: The ashes of what once could have been great, symbolizing your life’s wasted potential
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
some people try so hard to be anti technology “i don’t watch tv i watch the sunrise and my favorite director is god” can u calm down
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a parapsychologist.
Me: Cool! Is it difficult talking people into jumping out of planes?
Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?
Have kids.
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
Star Wars (1977, PG) a group of terrorists enlist the aid of a drug smuggler and a religious fanatic to bomb the seat of governmental power.
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”
I said ” scissors” and drove off
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day
getting corrected
If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.
The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.
me on ellen
ellen: so i heard you love the ocean
me: ya
(the studio starts flooding)
me: omg ellen you didn’t
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.