My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”
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I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
I was musing to someone about the irony of being a surgeon and having a phobia about touching raw meat (especially chicken). I don’t have a problem touching raw human though.
Anyway, thats how I learned people don’t like being referred to as raw human.
In banana years, I am bread.
“I’m soooo tired!”
[lays down in bed]
“I’m soooo comfortable!”
Bladder: Sup bro
When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.
I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.
My Kid: what was your favorite part of the day?
Me: that moment at about 8:30 this morning when my second cup of coffee hit me, and I could understand what you kids were saying through all your screaming.
Kid: huh?
Me: I said, when we went to the park.
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
Parents, need a little free time Easter morning?
Have your kids hunt for Easter eggs that you never hid.
Bonus points for telling them they’re getting warmer.
“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”
Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.
I’m not saying my son is competitive, but he was happy he had a higher fever than his brother
cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes
I don’t think of them as cheap hotels, I think of them as fancy camping.
DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.
When Squidward lost his job and had to stay with Spongebob and he tried to tell Spongebob the TV didn’t work n Spongebob said THAT’S TWO THINGS THAT DON’T WORK 😭😭😭😭
I’d like to say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I asked my kids what they’d like me to make for dinner and my 8yo said cereal.
As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.
I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, “dang, someone’s already got the murdering covered here”
*3 running a brush through my hair*
3: I’m making your hair pretty
Me: Thank you
3: instead of so ugly
Me:
Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.
😂😂😂😂😂😂
kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank
me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.
Millennial: blank stare
Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!