You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”
You Might Also Like
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”
*shakes tambourine*
“Got any others?”
*shakes tambourine*
“Sounds a lot like the last one”
My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.
Is Mercury still in the microwave?
My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.
I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.
What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”
What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”
[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so
Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.
Oh that’s not nicotine stains on my fingers. That’s mustard. I don’t smoke anything besides ham sandwiches.
Cop: We’ve found the man who stole your identity and was impersonating you
Me: Where was he?
Cop: Eating Cheetos and crying in his car
Me *impressed* he really went for it
Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.
I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.
I have a favorite Telehealth doctor I talk to a lot. I said, “I think I’m dying.” She said, “You’re not dying.” I said, “How do you know?” She said, “Because you keep calling me.”
My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”
Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”
Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?
How’s my day going?
If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.
[weapons store]
ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?
[interview at a clothing store]
be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog
“so what color is this dress?”
oh you gotta be kidding me
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.