Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse
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[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles
* Puts leftover pizza in the work fridge at 7am
My brain at 7:04:
eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?
NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a YouTuber to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “what up guys” helps
Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.
A Roomba, but to shave my legs.
Doctor (listening to my heart): You really should stop smoking
Me: I will one day
Doctor: No…like now. You can’t smoke in here
Decided to go to the public pool since my kids wouldn’t stop nagging me all summer about going and it wasn’t actually bad. I just wish I took the kids.
If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
I hate when you have 47 items and the cashier asks, “Do you need a bag?” Oh no, I’m heading right back to the circus, so I’ll just juggle all this shit for 6 miles”
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue
washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out
What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.
Traveler’s camo
@donutscoffeeme @daddygofish I was stepping over my cat today (heaven forbid that he had to move) when he flicked his tail and I stepped on it. Cat called me names I had never heard, and the evil eye was total death.
Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.
My dreams have come true.
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
Me: bedtime!
Brain: you’re hungry
M: no I’m not
B: thirsty then
M: nope
B: uhh sad?
M: doing ok
B: you forgot to do that thing
M: nice try
My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.
Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I’m an alcoholic.
Operator: Ma’am, this is AAA.
Me: I know. I’m an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.