[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*
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Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.
I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.
[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
consequences, the bane of my existence
lawyer: just say you were with a friend
me: ok
[later]
cop: where were you that night?me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend
Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.
Things you never find once lost
1. Innocence
2. Childhood
3. Chapstick
4. New Chapstick
5. Backup Chapstick
Magician: “Think of a number.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
Me: “Yes.”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*
#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
Pineapples are grown in South America. They’re picked, washed, quality checked, sorted by size, packed, shipped then driven from the destination port to your local grocer and somehow that process seems easier than getting my laundry done.
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it’s so when I’m eating prairie grasses I can see predators
“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God
I like that the doctor always asks if I’m a smoker. When I say yes, he tells me I should quit.
No shit? Thanks. Here’s all my money.
beware of dog
(jukin media)
Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.
[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.
i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime