computer: enter new password
me: munster
computer: password must be stronger
me: limburger
computer: stronger
me: Jake Paul
computer: stronger
me: AxeBodySpray
computer: password is too strong
You Might Also Like
[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.
If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.
The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.
[mothers day]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.
I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.
SON: Is it good news or bad news?
SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon
Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon
So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.
I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters
I hate it when you accidentally pick off a bit of dead skin on your lip and you can’t stop until you’ve peeled your entire face off.
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
Not to brag, but I finished an entire book in one sitting. I’m going to need some new crayons.
Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.
Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.
I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?
Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*
My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
ok here’s the deal. Yes it was dumb of NASA to ask Sally Ride if she needed 100 tampons for a 7-day mission, but I would have said “Actually I need 250” because that’s free tampons from the government, babbbbyyy.
Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.
Judge: The jury finds the defendant guilty.
Me: Nooooooooo.
Judge: Again, you’re the plaintiff.
Me: Haha. Oh yeah.
when i die i wanna come back as a gerbil because they’re so cuddly and are notoriously vindictive, grudge-holding creatures
I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids