[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out]
Dammit
[bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out]
DAMMIT
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Her: mmmm Look at all this cheesy goodness.
Him: (a rat) Only from the finest mousetraps my love.
According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
The best thing about being 5 is using your age an an excuse to do things and also get out of doing things. It’s either, “I can do it, I’m 5 now” or “I can’t do it, I’m only 5.”
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami
Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!
Judge: That is literally what is happening here.
I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.
I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”
I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.
There is no moral to this story.
HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain
[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH
“No, Frank, at the stake”
[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.
him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?
her: no thanks
me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho
Look, when I said I would “do anything” to bring Eurydice back from the Underworld I obviously meant “besides walk in a straight line without turning around”
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.
Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.
KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?
BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:
a) that we were racing,
And more importantly,
b) that I won.
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
Me: I’m so stressed
Heart: play some music you’ll feel better
Stomach: feed me cookies you’ll feel better
Brain: cut all your hair off
Me: wait what?
Brain: today.
Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
Overheard at British Museum –
Young boy to Dad – ‘when you die, can I use your skull to strike fear into the hearts of my enemies?’
Dad – ‘…no.’
My mother is displeased with me.
In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.
*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??