Got kicked outta Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade.
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You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.
If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
{At funeral}
*holding widows hand* I’m sorry for your loss. He had so much updog
“What’s updog?”
*pats her hand* Not much what’s up with you
Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
*slowly slides PBJ under seat*
Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
*first and last day as a therapist *
patient: I have anxiety that there’s an intruder in my room
me: you’re not alone
patient: aaaahhhhhhh
Superman could shit sauerkraut and they’d still love him. But when I do it, everyone’s like “gross katie”, and “now you’ve ruined the hot tub for all of us”.
It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker
my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?
teen me: I just wanna find a girl who’s nice and pretty and smart and kind
40s me: who wants to get freaky with mayonnaise, no weirdos
Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit
As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.
Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
*judge bangs gavel*
Ok let’s reconvene after a quick 20 min recess
*immediately knocks over defense attorney to get to the slide first*
My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.
broke down and did it
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
[concert parking lot]
SON: Can I have $20 for a shirt?
ME: Hold on. [grabs college kid] Want to buy a gummy? Purple Haze… $20. It’ll blow your mind.
KID: Sure! Here you go. Thanks!
SON: DAD… ARE YOU A DRUG DEALER?!?
ME: No, they’re from Costco. Here, go buy a shirt.
If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die
The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.