Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
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[My band playing on stage]
New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?
New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died
Me: Do you wanna do a scavenger hunt?
Kid: Nah, I’m just gonna play on the iPad
Me: Perfect! Because guess what I just hid
Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party
There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
Saw a true dear friend today …. Thank God I was able to hide in time.
Eleanor Rigby: Yep so I’m a church janitor
The Beatles: So you must be lonely as shit. Like that’s so sad. Man that sucks so much, for you.
Eleanor Rigby: No actually, idk where you-
The Beatles: I’m going to write a song about this
If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.
Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?
Me: I struck down a Jedi.
W: god I hate you.
M: yes, use your hate
I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?
WINDOWS: update? 🙂
ME: I can’t
WINDOWS: later? 🙂
ME: I don’t know if I—
WINDOWS: pwease? 🙂
ME: fine, later tho
WINDOWS: *immediately restarting* oops 🙂
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.
[on honeymoon in Paris]
Her: Look, there’s the Eiffel Tower
Me: Wait, I thought you said you’d never been to Paris before?
Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …
Is a person diagnosed with a Multiple Personality Disorder able to get a group rate from their therapist? Just asking for some friends.
Dear dads, you don’t actually have to wear athletic clothing to your kids’ games. You’re literally just going be be sitting.
son: school just got canceled
me: oh shit what did it do
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village
Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.
Me: You’re so selfish!
Her: I’m selfless! I spent the last 4 weekends giving back to my community.
Me: Oh Please, that was court-ordered..
Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?
i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks
date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob