Sometimes when I get a retweet… I blow on my phone, twirl it and slide it into my belt holster, then ride off into the sunset like a dork.
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*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.
My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He’s the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.
My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.
The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.
Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778
Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.
COP: How can you be sure?
GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.
A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
Me: How was dinner?
Husband: Good!
Me. Just good? What could I have done to make it better?
Husband: …
*Next night*
Me: How’s dinner?
Husband: It was fantastic! Amazing!
Me: Don’t patronize me.
Husband: *sigh*
Me: How did Mrs. Incredible know to name her son Dash if she didnt know what his superpower was yet?
Cashier: so was that paper or plastic?
oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house
I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.
Education is vital
I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”
People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.
my husband told me that i kept making really irritated expressions when he would say things and he was like “good lord WHY do you look so annoyed??????” and it was then that i realized that my botox has worn off 💀
I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
I may not look like the toughest guy at the bar but I was a psychology major, I studied writing for decades, and you do NOT want me sending your boss a message on LinkedIn
Kids: It’s the first day of spring break and it’s not fair that we’ve been bored all day.
Me, barley conscious: It is literally 10 o’clock in the morning.
Espresso Patronum!
– Me warding off morning people
My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
how to have fun when you’re poor
I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR DOG: I’m totally cool with that. I love you.
******************
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR CAT: Me too.
[JAIL VISITATION]
WIFE: I got u a cake
ME: U know I don’t like sugar
W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet
M: It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.