Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night
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i was in paris with a boyfriend once and he lit a candle in Notre Dame in order to ask god to raise the price of bitcoin
[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?
RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
I’m an asshole.
Sent from my Apple Watch
[God & his assistant making giraffes]
ASST: Say “when” once the neck is long enough, k?
*God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
Sexy singles are waiting to talk to u. They don’t sleep. They wait. Forever waiting. Will u free them from this sexy prison? Call now
Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?
Wife: Ew, gross.
Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?
My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”
Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
r/relationships
I (36m) met my girlfriend (32f) at the exact moment after i sucked helium from a balloon to do a funny voice for a buddy. now weve been together 8 months & Im constantly having to suck helium from balloons when shes not looking because she thinks that’s my voice
*Now with 50 percent less fat*
Me: ooooh *buys two*
Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.
Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.
Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?
A blood vessel…
News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.
Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.
Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.
ENTER PASSWORD
password
YOUR PASSWORD IS TOO LITERAL PLEASE TRY AGAIN
again
ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW
You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.
The MasterChef judges be like: “I’m so sorry, Jeff. You’ll need to say goodbye to the other contestants (sad)… because you’re going back to your station (yay)… to drop off your apron (sad)…and getting a new one (yay)…that says loser on it.”
her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else
me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us
her: who?
me: holy shit
Ulterior motives? Please, I don’t even know why I do things.
I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.