them: I like that filter on you
me: [doesn’t have snap but enjoys mounting butterflies directly to my head] th… thanks
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It’s password awareness Friday.
Today I offer free consulting.
Send me a password and I tell you if it’s strong.
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.
This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
I could win awards for having a bad memory.
In fact, I probably did. How would I know.
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.
15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘
15: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
Adulthood is when sleeping in is an acceptable birthday present.
*1st date*
“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”
*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*
“Hellooo soulmate”
I want to be financially secure enough to pass up a dime lying in a parking lot. Like “I’ll leave that for someone who needs it”
WIFE: What did you just do?
CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason*
ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case she’s after both of us*
ME: I’d like a free burrito
CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free
ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one
[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks
if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that
Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?
Me: Yeah! Slept.
Husband: Correct, good night.
If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?
[In a warehouse]
Murderer: I’m gonna get you!Me: *echoing from hidden location* Hi, “gonna get you”, I’m Dad!
Murderer: What the… where are you?
Me: Did you look under there?
Murderer: Under whe-Hey!
Me: *whispering* Super lame murderer says What.
Murder: What- Damn it!
Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”
[1st date]
*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*
*but also, be sensitive*
I like to work with my hands,
But splinters make me cry.
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”