Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.
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me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?
Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location
genie: you have three wishes
me: end the pandemic
genie: [snaps fingers] done
me: get me a good job
genie: there’s too many gaps in your work history
me: i wish to own a home
genie: dude come on
Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
Woke up at 5am because I rolled over and my foot got too close to my dog and he started barking to make sure me and all my neighbors knew.
Me: What’s your favorite fruit?
Son #2: Tacos.
Me: No, I said fruit.
S2: You have my answer.
when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”
I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
[playing poker]
“I’m all in”
*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*
Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.
I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, is a crock of shit. If you get pregnant, pick up an STD, or contract covid, that shit will follow you everywhere.
Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!
[airport]
For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class
What’s that?
Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins
[slaps table] SOLD
me: you look thinner
friend: yeah my job at the deli keeps me active. guess what I weigh
me: meat
friend: what
me: what
I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
to be Frank, i would have to change my name.
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.
“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
[Dinner party]
ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.
HOST: MY TURTLES!
When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*
HER: NNNNNNNN
ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
HER: ZZZZZZZZ
If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.
I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions
Friend: You have guacamole on your face.
Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.