hitman: who am I killing?
dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?
hitman: rings a bell
dog: that’s right
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I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
My husband asked me yesterday what I would do with my time if money was no object, and apparently “buy out a Target and sit on top of my hoard like a manic-depressive dragon” was an incorrect response so idk.
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
My daughter said “daddy we are not friends with Brooklyn because she said I dress weird”
No questions asked now I got beef with a 4 y/o named Brooklyn and her father.
I dont make the rules to this gang shit. I just play my role.
We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.
911: What’s your emergency?
I’m being held hostage by the Swedish mafia!
911: Are you being tortured?
They’re making me put together an IKEA Poäng chair
911: Just asking for a friend, but what color?
Me & my mate are Scots. We were visiting England & got arrested for being drunk and disorderly. The English cops really believed our names (in Scottish accent) were Ben Doon and Phil McAvity. We were only rumbled when the Scottish desk sergeant at the station burst out laughing.
Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.
I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.
My parents are just back from Little Women. My mam absolutely loved it but my dad isn’t happy because there was a Waterford Crystal bowl in the background of a scene and Waterford Crystal wasn’t around back then and therefore, the movie is no good.
My 16-year-old wants to know how old he needs to be before I remove the window-lock safety feature on the car. My 21-year-old says she’d love to know too.
Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*
I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap
[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.
My 5-year-old talks to me about our solar system like I have no idea it exists, “do you know about the sun? It’s a star.” Yeah I know. I was the one that told you about it.
Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*hours pass*
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.