Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.
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People who complain about parties must not like free food.
banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.
Mechanic: What’s the mileage on your car?
Me, panicking: Umm, 106.7 KROQ
Mechanic: Isn’t that a radio station?
Me: On second thought, I’m good with the old oil.
wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food
I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.
Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
Me: Night love.
11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?
Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there
[last supper]
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*
#StillHurts
Krampus.
When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.
Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.
Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…
Teaching my son to use social media for the first time ever, since he can’t see his friends. We’re working on the fine art of conversation and how not to respond to every girl with “sup.”
Every time I eat a cookie in bed, I imagine it screaming “I’M GONNA CRUMB” because I have something wrong with me
[driving to the next town over]
me: maybe you wanna stop and ask for directions?
husband, driving us through the boonies: nonsenseme: now maybe?
husband, passing a ‘welcome to canada’ sign: nome: just ask already
husband, somehow in the middle of the ocean: I WILL NOT
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Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel
I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.
Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.
I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.
me: i need directions please
stranger: you need to go north and –
me: left or right
stranger: it’s a little more complex than that
me: *crying* LEFT OR RIGHT
Updating my 2014 MacBook and you would think I am diffusing a bomb. It’s been two hours and the fan is going so hard it sounds like it’s preparing for take off
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH THE SUN
1. I do NOT approve of its plan to consume Earth in 7 billion years. THAT’S WHERE I LIVE
2. Why am I banned from looking at it? I’LL STARE AT THE SUN ANYTIME I WANT
3. STOP STRENGTHENING MY ENEMIES BY GIVING THEM FREE VITAMIN D, YOU STUPID SUN
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.
Me: *Asks question on snapchat*
Them: *Answers question on snapchat*
Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”