Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave
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Dog: I don’t get it
Me: What don’t you get?
Dog: Just go over it again
Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food
Dog: *tilts head* What?
Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.
Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?
Granny, pay attention and don’t panic. I need you to think hard and tell me how many brownies you ate out of the blue pan.
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:
Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate
Daughter: Brings home an A+ on her presentation…
Son: Brings home 3 different hoodies he’s left at school…
Husband: Oh wow! Big day for both of you, huh?!
Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
[hell]
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.
People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing
How it started How it’s going
*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*
i lost 4 lbs, nice
*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*
the punishment does not fit the crime
You don’t wanna break into the zoo and steal a penguin, you don’t wanna wait in the car while *I* break into the zoo, so maybe you should just plan the date.
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
me: can i get some ketchup?
waiter: sir, this is a 3 michelin star restaurant
me: my apologies. may i please have some crème de tomato a la heinz
Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart*professor x starts laughing from the other room*
Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.
“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck
“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”
Well, Katy, I’m thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that’s a pretty apt simile
people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground
This girl text me: “your adorable
I text back: no YOU’RE adorable
Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…
WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
i bet when fish see it’s raining they’re like “oh cool a refill”
Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..
4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!
Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.
I picked my nephew up from school & I asked him “how was school?” This boy gonna say “Why you ask me that everytime you see me, you never went to school?”
Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
*Makes a meal plan for the week*
*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*