Steam Forums
You Might Also Like
why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead
customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*
I…I’ve never felt…SO ALIVE!
*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*
“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”
[Explaining nomenclature to my niece]
Well, you see, celebrities used up all the good names the year you were born, Fancy Feast.
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
I don’t think I could pass a polygraph, even the simple questions because I overthink. They would ask is Amanda is my name and I’d be conflicted because I know my birthname before I was adopted or they would ask if I had ever did acid & I haven’t but I use hyaluronic in skincare.
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password
tattoos should make you more employable because they show you can sit in place for hours while tiny needles are jammed into your skin and that’s what every corporate meeting I’ve ever been in has felt like
ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant
the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing
Why would anyone get an ancestry DNA test for themselves? Such a waste of money.
*buys multiple Wisdom Panel DNA tests to see what breeds my dogs are.
[Medieval Europe]
Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.
Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*
This is true.
It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again
Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.
Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.
Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
Why are bridges so flammable.
My favourite parallel universe is the one in which, having woken from a nap, I walk over to my dog, have a nice stretch, and just as I think the praise and adoration has peaked, there is a new high as the dog warmly acknowledges my technique with an excited: “ooh, big stretch!”
#Homeschooling Day 5:
Hung out in the teacher’s lounge until lunch. Snacks were awesome.
Now singing karaoke on the school announcement system.
We got this.
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today
[son comes running into our room]
“Dad, there’s a monster in my room!”
Look, Marky, what-
“Mikey.”
Right, Mikey. What makes u think I care?