[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao
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you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.
Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
I don’t remember your name, chick I worked with one time, but I will never stop telling people about how you asked me:
What even are olives, like a fish or something?
forrest gump (1994): this film gave me very unrealistic expectations of what my life would be like as a huge idiot. 2/10
Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
In 8th grade, I had a crush on boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was going to switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…
me: do you want more breakfast
6: no im full i have a small tummy
me: ok that’s fine you can-
6: not like you, have a big tummy, huge, it’s so big, not like my small one yours is so giant-
me: I SAID you can go now thanks
*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym**wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*
can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant
I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.
standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home
There’s a doctor here to see you.
Doctor who?
No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.
I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them
Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough
A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.
Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.
You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.
[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?
*meanwhile across town*
Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.
Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking…
Me: *sitting upright in bed* How the hell did you get in here?
I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed
I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.
Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you
oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode
i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van
I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign