I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
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I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.
(Ok don’t let her know ur Jesus)
Girl: Meet my dad
*they shake hands*
*Dad stands up from wheelchair*
Dad: It’s a miracle!
Jesus: *facepalm*
[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO
Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.
Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.
Wildebeest: 5 cheetahs on the horizon sir
Wildebeest Sergeant: How many men do we have?
Wildebeest: 4,000
Wildebeest Sergeant: RETREAT!
there are some wounds only potatoes can heal
Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away
INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?
ME: How do I access the WIFI?
INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job
ME: Is that all capital?
Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.
Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.
You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.
PRIEST: 1st the groom’s vows.
ME: *Unfolds notes* I’m only doing this for the cake.
PRIEST: That’s not really-
HER: That’s what I wrote too.
[meeting]
ME: ok bear with me folks *pulls out a live salmon and eats it*
BUSINESS BEARS: *look around at each other and nod approvingly* this guy’s good
Me: Look to my left.
Friend: We’re facing the same way. Why don’t you say our left?
Me: I don’t like to share.
Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise
F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
[dies, meets god]
explain Florida
[autopsy]
Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever
Wife’s friend: So what was your C section like?
Wife: Well, it wa….
Me: Omg it was AWFUL. I had to just stand there for like 30 minutes
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
“I’m here for the hookers and the booze!!!”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers… “I’m here for the hookers and the booze.”
I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone
DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature
MY BRAIN: say you like hiking
MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon
My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.
That depressing moment when you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
Love it! 👍😂