Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.
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I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.
I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”
Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.
I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents
“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.
You think after 11 years of marriage you really know your spouse, and then last night I found out mine uses his notes app by keeping EVERYTHING – grocery lists, reminders, birthday present ideas – in ONE LONG NOTE
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
Told my kids to get rid of toys they don’t play with, so if you hear a commotion it’s just them desperately playing with every toy they own.
Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?
Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint
Son: This kid at school says really mean things to me
Me: I’ll have a word with him[Later]
Son: How did it go, Dad?
Me [trying to hide my red eyes] do you think I look like a potato?
We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.
“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.
When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
*Password looks at itself in the mirror*
“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”
how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay
[speed dating]
Her: I’m a little bit country.
Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.
“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken
I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
Cop: This spot is for frog parking only
Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?
*gets toad*
Got flagged by airport security because my son had a Magic 8 Ball in his backpack. Two TSA agents debated whether it was ok. My husband said, “If only we had a simple way to answer a yes or no question…” Crickets.
Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Mon-1
Mom-0