Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.
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My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears
I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller
“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”
– Khaki pants
*Chicken strips*
Me: *blushes*
Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me
Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.
Sometimes I like to put on a dark wig, a floppy hat, and huge sunglasses, and pretend I’m a mystery woman.
Sadly my husband keeps recognizing me.
[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.
Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.
Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans
I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.
20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys
30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car
40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids
[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder
Me: what was with King Solomon having 300 concubines?
Bible scholar: it’s a mistranslation
[Flashback]
King Solomon: more porcupines
“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”
Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
him: how have you been improving yourself with all this free time during quarantine? i’ve been exercising more and eating better
me: [has forgotten the definition of 83 common words, what traffic light colors mean what, my phone number] simplifying
Me: Come quick! I’ve created a reservoir for pet Dutch rodents!
Wife: I don’t like where this is going.
Me: I call it a Hamster Dam.
Wife: I’ll be at the bar
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow
my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.
Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando
just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you
went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …
heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.