Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
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My kids have apparently started a neighborhood rock washing business, they stick them in their pockets, I unknowingly put them through the machine and they come out all shiny on the other end
You said imagine my life without you…
So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.
I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.
Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.
I was the only one who would bake with my grandmother. When she died she left her best recipe to everyone except she deliberately left out a crucial step as payback. That’s the level of petty I aspire to.
I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.
BOUNCER: *checking ID* this doesn’t look like you
CATERPILLAR: *adjusts makeshift wings* its me
B: oh yeah? Fly then
C: uh *starts sweating*
Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”
Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”
*wall breaks down*
Superman: “OMG really??”
Batman: “No.”
What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!
People often ask me how I afford to live a lavish lifestyle while spending most of my day on Twitter. Here are a few tips.
1. Wake up early every morning
2. Build a work routine
3. Learn to delegate responsibility
4. Inherit a lot of money from parents
5. Sleep at time
[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.
Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise
Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?
Doctor: sure
Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
“Welcome to Panda Express”
“I’d like one panda”
“Sorry we don’t sell pand-”
*slips cashier $100*
“Meet me in the back alley in ten minutes”
if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
My summer body has been pending for about ten years
If you work in an office trust that you have a nickname.
Everyone has a nickname.
If you don’t know yours, rest assured that it’s not very flattering.
Just ask Midlife crisis Matt over there.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.
A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.
The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness
Me: AI, how many fingers am I holding up?
AI: 17.
i now pronounce you bounced.
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.
Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine