Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
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“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz
Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging
ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me
My 2 year old asked me for potato and kept getting mad at me when I gave her potatoes to eat.
It took a good 20 minute meltdown before I figured out that she calls play-doh potato.
Learning a new language has been hard for both of us.
[first date]
“So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.”
[my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]
Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.
Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
Principal: Your son is a gamer
[Parents are visibly shaken]
Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.
Parents: OH THANK GOD
[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”
daniel radcliffes agent: hello harry potter
daniel radcliffe: hello
agent: would you like to be in a movie
daniel radcliffe: is it very strange
agent: yes
daniel radcliffe: then yes
agent: when can you get here
daniel radcliffe: i’m in your yard climbing trees as we speak
My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.
Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
ME: (first day as a detective) It looks like he accidentally shot himself in the head while trying to eat his own gun. What a shame.
MY PARTNER: Have u considered suicide?
ME: Jesus Christ man, I just get sad sometimes. I dont want to die.
ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.
[i arrive in hell]
Satan: welcome
Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol
Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up
Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao
Satan:
Me:
Satan:
[i arrive in super hell]
What is a good name for a nun in Heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer is “Nun of the Above”.
I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
Me: clutter makes me want to burn this house to the ground
Also me: there are still 3 drops of shampoo in this bottle, better save it in case of emergency
If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist
Do any ear experts follow me? I clean my ears like once a week and it always looks like someone makes toffee in there. My question is this: is that toffee
Netflix would be by far the best dating site. “Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs”