According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
You Might Also Like
If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
all car guys agree that a dream car should be hard to get, expensive and fast as hell but get all pissy when I say “so the batmobile then”
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy’s head. Nice. I’ll add blush in post.
*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
[First date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Date: “I’m a librarian.”
Me: “Oh, my bad.”
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*
Whenever I make a list of chores I always add one or two tasks that I have already accomplished so that I can experience the immediate satisfaction of crossing them off.
There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.
“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle
15yo: Mom, now that you have to do your own nails, maybe you shouldn’t do them at night…
ME: I didn’t!
15yo: when it’s dark …
ME: It was morning!
15yo: and cloudy…
ME: It was sunny!
15yo: when you’re tired…
ME: I just woke up!
15yo: while drinking…
ME: … fair.
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”
If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.
Me: [print]
Printer: You’re low on ink
Me: What? I just bought ink
P: You’re low on magenta
Me: I want to print in black
P: You need magenta
Me: wtf I just need black & black is full
P: magennnnta
Me: [buys and installs $30 magenta cartridge]
Me: [print]
P: So, about your cyan
The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.
My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.
My 12 yr. old girl is having a sleepover tonight.
She told me, “DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!”
I’m considering twerking to Ace of Base later.
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
[reading of my will]
My son: his shoes!?
Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry
They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.
Me: hi, I’d like to schedule an exorcism for my husband
Priest: what makes you think he’s possessed?
Me: he forgets to eat on a regular basis
Priest: that’s not really-
Me: also he doesn’t “care for for cheese”
Priest: *grabs largest crucifix* Let’s do this
Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.
There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx