I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.
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They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
[6 AM]
Child: [crying]
Me: WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My stomach hurts so badly.
Me: Okay you can stay home.[morning bus drives by]
Child: What’s for breakfast?
friend: i want a bf
me: i want to hold the reins of 2 equally powerful, beautiful horses who run w/perfectly matched paces & also respect me
Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
I got invited to an acquaintance’s baby shower, I thought I bought teeth rings, I bought this woman’s baby a freaking dog toy. 🙃
date: so what do you do on the weekends.
me: mostly pet my cat.
date: oh your bio said you were a risk taker.
me: um yeah have you ever pet a cat.
Marie Curie: (getting huge doses of radiation from her work with highly radioactive materials).
Marie Curie’s Husband: Maybe we should talk about the element in the room.
ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.
I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
“OnStar, this is Sharon, how may I help you?” “My penis is stuck in the cigarette lighter hole.” “Is this Brandon?” “Yup.” “I’ll call 911.”
Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.
You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.
Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water
them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.
Same kid, same.
*at Starbucks*
7yo: can I order for you?
Me: sure!
7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!
You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.
Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no
My daughter invented a game she calls “cellphone.” I have to pretend to be a stranger, while she plays herself and just tells me about her life. For hours. She enjoys this game considerably more than I do.
GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”
I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.
Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”– Canadian Dirty Talk
Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed
i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication